If art imitates life, why is it that what we see on television and in the movies is so very different than what most people actually do all day? Even in “reality” shows, you almost never see what most folks do in real life; get up, go sit in a cubicle for nine hours, go home, watch reality for a while, crash, repeat.

Now I’m not the first person to say that what we see in the media isn’t exactly the best representation of the human spirit, but could it be that the disconnect between it and real reality is helpful? There’s nothing particularly real about television, reality or otherwise, but it is the universe where a lot of folks choose to spend their time when they’ve taken care of the tasks required by their compulsory lives. I think it’s noteworthy that in people’s chosen lives they might be spies, artists, or wacky neighbors, but they’re almost never cubicle dwellers. Put another way, we all know that television is bullshit. But could it be that what passes for real life for a lot of folks is even less credible?

So this week Jenny and I celebrated our fifteenth wedding anniversary. I’m proud of what I feel is my greatest achievement, amazed at how far we’ve come together, and more than a little impressed by my wife’s ability to tolerate my goofy behavior. The first time I laid eyes on her all those years ago, I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of forever with her. No question about it. But, to be honest, if someone from 2009 were able to travel back in time and tell the 18-year-old version of me where we’d be, what we would have done, and everything that had happened, I’m certain I wouldn’t have had the wherewithal to grasp it. The gulf between there and here would just be too great. And I’m certain that dwelling on that fifteen year milestone would have gotten in the way of the countless amazing experiences that have brought us to where we are.

There’s no question that big goals and big ideas are important. But it’s possible to get fixated on the difference between the current experience and the ideal manifestation of those ideas, and that gets in the way of growth. Past a certain point, being destination-oriented is not natural or healthy; this is not about reaching a goal. It’s about living a life.

What do you really want? When posed the “you’ve just won the lottery” question, a lot of people will run down a list of things they would buy. And it’s remarkable, given how truly different people are, that the lists are so very similar. A big house, a big television, a big car. Hot and cold running servants. Remarkable. It’s okay if somebody wants that. I just find it hard to believe that everybody wants that.

I think that it’s baloney. I think that folks are so out of touch with what they actually want that they rattle off things they think they’re supposed to want; these come from movies and television, mostly — dreamed up by marketing robots who are trying to feed the public what they think it wants, perpetuating a very silly cycle.

So we have to ask ourselves why we want the Robin Leach mansion. Do we have a deep, soul-level need to poop in a different toilet every day, or is it really something more profound that’s going on here? Most of us want things like that because we want to impress friends and relatives — to show them that we’ve made something of ourselves.

Jesus. Do you really need a million dollars to impress your friends? Maybe you need to find some other folks to hang out with.

Maybe that’s not the most important question. You don’t want a big house. You want love and respect. Maybe you don’t want the big car. Maybe you want freedom. But freedom to do what? That’s the real question. Who cares what you would buy — that’s no more interesting than what you’re buying at the grocery store now. What would you do if you won the lottery? Think about that for a minute.

I didn’t buy a lottery ticket last time around. Strangely enough, I did just as well as I tend to do when I pony up ten bucks. While I have definite plans for the dough, and I’m more than open and receptive to a windfall like that, there’s a part of me that knows better. For one thing, I happen to believe that there’s no power in the world that can keep my good from me when and as I’m ready for it. And besides, I want to be an active part of my own growth. Getting there is half the fun, after all.

Put another way, something about the concept of external good rubs me the wrong way. As I’ve said many times before, there’s such emphasis placed on the concept of a ship coming in, an inheritance from a forgotten rich uncle, a handsome prince willing not only to wake us up but also to ignore what must be a record-breaking case of morning breath. The statement seems to be that there’s nothing inside us that can solve the problem, and that we need help from somewhere else. Reading between the lines, it’s not hard to imagine that our whole culture has self-esteem issues.

The truth is that, on an individual or cultural basis, we tend to get ourselves into whatever messes we happen to be in, and that means we have the power to get out. The trick is to make the solution as immediate as the problem.

My wife’s on a diet. And when momma’s on a diet, we’re all on a diet. Dammit.

I’m actually really proud of her, and more than a little thankful that she’s providing a positive influence. When your primary method of exercise is typing, you need all the help you can get. That’s not to say that I don’t think about eating an entire box of Little Debbies when she’s not looking, though.

But that’s the thing. There’s something very powerful about external sanctions, but they only get you so far. Whether it’s something positive, like my life partner training for another marathon, getting results, and looking great, or something negative, like the dangerous heat levels caused by me walking in corduroy trousers, outer feedback can be very helpful. But it’s not the whole answer. We all know how to work around the rules. We figure out where the cops hang out and slow down when we drive past. We develop elaborate justification rituals. We put on baggy pants. More than that, it’s very easy —and very common— to rebel against authority figures, to blame them for one’s inability to meet the standards. One way or the other, unless the desire to grow comes from within us, we’re not going to see real evolution. Life happens from inside out.